Holly had surgery on March 5th.  She had the second toe from the left on her right paw removed because of a growth.  Dr. Newberry unofficially stated that it was infact cancerous and that there is potential for the growth to spread if it hadn't already.  It broke my heart to hear Holly constantly crying when we brought her home from the vet.  Dr. Newberry assured us that she was crying because of the anestetic and not because of pain.  She slept in my room that night and would wake up every two hours crying.  I comforted her back to bed.

Saturday March 7th we had to take Holly back to the vet to have the bandage changed.  Mom and I went there for 10:30am.  While in the examination room I started to feel really light headed and like I lacked air.  I tried to go to the waiting room and told Dr. Harding and Mom that I needed a minute but before I could even turn to leave the room I had fainted forward onto the exam table and onto Holly.  Mom had to hold me up by my hoodie and jacket and slowly brought me to the floor. They got me a cold wet towel and opened the door of the vet to let air in.  I remember waking up for a second and opening my eyes to realize I was infact on the floor.  I passed out again and then woke up seconds later and my Mom kept asking me how I was.  I eventually got up and sat on a chair in the waiting room. 

We went home when they finished with Holly and I went to bed.  I didn't sleep though because my head was still spinning.  I ate Taco Bell for lunch with my family and after eating Pat and Mom drove me to the hospital where they couldn't help me at the after hours clinic because I had never fainted before.  They directed me towards the emergency room but it was so insanely packed that we quickly decided to just leave.

Sunday night I woke up at 11:30pm with severe chest pain.  It felt like someone was standing on my chest which made it difficult to breathe. At 12:30am when the pain still hadn't subsided I decided to let Mom know how I was feeling.  She got Pat to drive us to the hospital and Mom and I stayed there until 5:00am without ever seeing a doctor.  The pain eventually subsided, but they clearly were not interested in serving me.  At 10:45am Mom and I saw Dr. Drutz and he ordered blood work, an ecg, and a holter for 48 hours. 

I get the Holter this coming Monday.

I went back to work on Thursday since that was the first day I actually felt like myself again.

So I may have left some details out of yesterdays entry.  I assure you it was not intentional. =P

I've been single for coming up to three years this September and before I dated Chris I was completely fine with being single.  I could flirt with all the guys at school or wherever else I met guys and it was all fun and games.  I'm aware that I am still young at 21, but the fact that I am single manages to keep getting to me because I fill my head with all these ideas revolving around guys that I meet online.

This January I came across Marty.  He's generally a sweet guy and fun to chat with, but recently we established, well.. more so him than me, that we shouldn't bother talking because he was just looking to get laid when I fly out to Ireland this summer.  It actually hurt to hear him say he doesn't want to talk to me anymore.  I got over it though and was doing fine until he messaged me last night.  I don't think he knows what he wants and that's why it ends up hurting me.  It confuses me.  I know that there's really no point in wasting my time thinking about any of it, but I really can't help it.  I may not be the ultimate girly girl who wears make-up and dresses up and does her hair all the time, but I am pretty girly when it comes to my emotions.  My heart breaks so easily...

Then there's Martin.  I've always adored him since forever ago when we would casually chat with everyone else.  This year we finally added each other to our personal lists so we could chat without everyone else around.  We get along great wih decent conversation, good laughs, and I believe we enjoy each others company.  But then there's times when he seems so distant and almost cold towards me.  I know he has his whole life to worry about seeing as how he does have a daughter, but I can't help but wonder if there is something there and he's just either not seeing it, or simply not wanting it.  Once again.. I manage to get caught up in this.

Ady is another guy who I have trouble reading.  He seemed genuinely interested in me most of the time, but then he ruins everything by being a typical guy and actually making non-stop jokes about "shagging" me.  It's all fun and games every once in a while with chat about that, but the fact that it always comes up makes me second-guess his intentions.

Finally, Tommy.  He's a decent guy with an interesting career and he manages to make me laugh the rare times he's around.  But he always reminds me I'm a child =P atleast he seems to think I am because I'm only 21.

I think I just keep building up this image of what these guys are like and become very disappointed when they sway off track from that image I created.  What's worse is I feel like everytime they unintentionally let me down, they're all taking a piece of me down with them.  I feel like I'm becoming less of a person with each guy...

I guess what makes this all so horrible is that I'm having these "relationships" (more a lack of) with people online.  There's never been a guy that I have met in person, in a normal fashion, that I've had a relationship with.  Have times changed so drastically that it's uncommon now to meet normal people (opposed to sex addicts) in public places?  Has society completely turned towards the internet in order to find proper decent people for socializing?  Or is it just me?

Maybe the only solution is to drown myself in other things, like my school work, or music, or anything other than them.  It's just so hard to do that when all I really want is someone I can talk to...

i stood in the rain for 30 minutes today.  it was after 5pm and i was waiting for the dufferin bus that seemed like it would never come.  i guess what made me really come to this deep profound realization was all of the things surrounding me at that exact moment as well as the events that lead up to that moment.  at 5:02pm my cell phone started ringing.  I was already at work way too long because of Fed-Ex calling about some non-existant issue.  i didn't recognize that number but chose to answer for some reason anyway. 

it was my dad.

he called frm pearson airport to tell me that he had arrived in Canada.  that he was back.  that ruined my entire day.  i left the office in a daze and just walked slowly towards the bus stop.  i could have run for the bus that was at the stop but i didnt have it in me to run for a bus.  i figured the next bus wouldnt be too long considering the time.  i stood in the rain as it was pouring and stared at a puddle.. then on my mp3 player One Republic - Apologize came on.  and while i stood there in a daze, in the rain, and repeatedly heard the words "it's too late to apologize, it's too late" i realized that was exactly the case.  it is too late for him to apologize... no matter what he does, i will always hate who he is as a person.

the things he's done.  how selfish he is.  his lifestyle.  his habits.  i strive to be NOTHING like him.  although i realize this is partially impossible considering half of me is a part of him i will do everything i possibly can to do the exact opposite of what he does.  if i had it my way, i would never resemble him in any way at all...

dear livejournal,

i miss talking about nothing and so you will have to be my new confidant.  i think thats why i find myself missing what i know of him.  it isn't much but we spoke.  about nothingness.  it's hard for me to find that these days.  tyler basically told me he couldn't handle me and just didn't even want to bother trying so that became a lost cause.  and the other people i would talk to nothing about have gone away.  they all do eventually.  what made him so different from the rest was he was actually there, right next to me, to have these talks about nothing.  i've never had that before.  it always started on the internet.  this started in person.  it was new.  it was comfortable. i miss it.

and so i turn to you dear livejournal and while i know you will never ever satisfy me i still continue to write.  i want to go outside.  i want to just wander and explore and take pictures of the things i see.  i partially blame him for inspiring me but i also know i just want to get away because i can't.  essay after essay and i'm still far from being done.  the 30th is coming faster and faster and i feel so useless.

i use music to calm me.  sometimes it calms me down way too much.  it breaks my heart and makes me ache for something more where something more just doesn't exist.  i want life to start now even though i am living life.  i just expect it to be so much more than it actually is.  i always end up disappointed.  never satisfied.

i should write more letters.
dearest livejournal, i must leave you again for an essay.  and possibly a letter to my kindred spirit. 

i constantly seek distractions.  even when i find a distraction i'm still looking for another one.  i find that i'm never satisfied with what i have.  i'm somehow convinced that i can always do better so i keep looking.  i told myself once that i should never settle for someone or something and so i never seem to settle at all.  i'm always on the go, looking for something more, when in reality this may just be it.  jack nicholson was right; "what if this is as good as it gets?"

i had all day to write this essay.  once i got everything ready for montreal and i emailed dave at confirmed freight all i really had to do was my essay.  i never opened my book once at work today.  in fact, i never even took it out of my bag.  i told myself to blame it on the way i was feeling; weak, something was off.  i think i was nauseated.  i'm not sure, but i think i was.  i just brushed the feeling away and did nothing but surf the web, talk to jeff and kent, eat my food, and go on youtube to watch promo videos for greys anatomy, the office, and csi.  that will be thursday's distraction - the season premieres.  i'll definately get nothing done thursday night.  and then i have my exam on friday.  super.

i thought i'd have this weekend school free.  it doesn't look that way. no attic. no video. no bedroom destroying for rebuilding.  just essays. and assignments. and questions. brace yourself kadie. this is your own fault.  you kept putting it off.  and you can't blame your friends because 90% of the time this summer you were the one to say to everyone, "lets do something".  my desire to go out somewhere because i could overruled my responsibilities.  it all started in june...

i have next summer planned.  to road trip.  i really insanely hope they can come.  i need them to be able to come.  i need this journey with them.  i also need to just go away again but share it with close friends for a change.  and i need ireland again. two weeks.

i can't stop writing to him.  i feel pathetic every time i write.  but i can't control myself.  i blame the fact that i never meet new people and he's new.  he is a change.  i so badly need a change.

i'm angry. and i'm sad. and my heart aches every single night. but i tell myself that i should be happy.  i have some of the best friends anyone could ask for.  of course we have our ups and downs but when it comes to having good friends they are the best and i know when its really important that i can count on them. 

i've been struggling lately and its affected my ability to act normal.  normal in the sense where i do school and finish on time.  where i write essays in a day because they're just a bunch of words and i tend to be good with words.  i can usually make sense of a topic in my head and then i just write.  nothing makes sense in my head lately.  i want to blame june.  i blame leaving toronto.  i blame meeting my cousins in ireland.  i blame having a new dream.  it confuses me, wanting two things at the exact same time and yet they're so different.

everything is just fine.  and i mean that in the most sincere way possible.  there's no intense drama at home anymore.  sure theres the occasional fight that feel intense in the moment but overall the drama has just gone away and i don't know how to live in a house where there is no drama.  there was always drama here.  there were always problems.  now its just neutral.  i just go to work.  i just do essays.  we eat.  there's nothing.  i should be estatic that there are no problems and yet i'm upset and i feel empty inside.  i keep looking for problems.  i get in fights with my mom over stupid things, which isn't always my fault, but nonetheless they're stupid and we don't speak for days, sometimes weeks, and yet even then it's still neutral. 

i want something more and i've some how convinced myself that ireland offers that something more.  before i went to newfoundland i convinced myself that there was something more there.  instead i found an old fling with a guy i don't even like... and i found a new guy i have interest in but for all i know i'd hate being around him or find all of his faults if i actually had an opportunity to really get to know him.  even so, i look for ways to stand out for him.  he can't even see me but i look for ways to express something i think he'll think is cool.  it never works.  i have nothing cool or artistic to offer.

i need a change but i don't want provoke a change.  i hate change.  i fear change.

and yet change is all i seem to need...

because ron doesnt have facebook anymore, or myspace because he's too cool for it =)

usually i can find a song that will relate to me perfectly. not only does it make sense in whats been going on, but it also hits the spot with how i feel, and how the song will make me feel. so why the fuck can't i find a song to suit me now?

i think i'm just mad all over again, especially after yesterday. i guess i'm more mad at myself than at anyone else because i was stupid enough to believe they would act different, that they would rise to the occasion and be better people than i had always tagged them to be. how lame is it that they've fulfilled my perspective completely and failed me yet again.

i was almost convinced to have another huge party for my birthday by everyone last night, but after thinking everything over yet again and just being re-pissed off, i've come to realize how much i just don't want to socialize with everyone. fuck everyone and their need to be entertain at my expense. i'm not hosting anything anymore. and if for a second i have a relapse and start randomly planning events keep in mind that it's merely a moment of weakness, more of a habit, and we all know habits die hard.

i'm tired of pretending everything is okay.
it's not. but that's just something i'm going to live with.

we take our miracles where we find them.
we reach across the gap
and sometimes, against all odds, against all logic,
we touch.

we all expect a miracle to be some huge and drastic thing, but the truth is miracles occur every day and sometimes they're so small, we don't even acknowledge them for being the miracles that they are.

my miracle? a smile.

personally, i think that's huge.

( shoot #2 )

on a completely new note:
i just love when people assume.
it amuses me how stupid they look =)